Light Afflictions



I Still Smell Your Pillow

It’s the first of the year.
I know I want change, but change scares me stiff. I think this is precisely the reason as to why I had an emotional breakdown today while watching Monk.
Monk was nervous about taking these new pills to help him with his worrying. He was in a place where he was just ‘tired of being himself’. He made a few mistakes and ended up in his bedroom, smelling the pillow of his deceased wife Trudy. He told her he was scared. She told him she was proud of him, and she wanted him to be happy.
I literally broke down. My face was a waterfall, tears pouring out of my eyes. I never in my entire life thought I would relate to Mr. Monk. Isn’t it funny? The way we see things that we think could never happen to us? That was a show I used to watch Friday nights in my parent’s bedroom. The show covered everything from mental illness to divorce. I never thought I could rewatch those episodes and completely understand why the characters were hurting.
Life is strange, in that way. We’re always changing, whether we like it or not. We either hold on or let go. We grow accustomed to certain things and certain people. We’re always shaping, never stopping.
The tears that rolled down my cheeks were full of hope and empathy. I understood. And I thought, I’m not alone. And maybe one day I will feel the same way with recovery.